


(well if that's love) it comes at much too high a cost

by zornslemon



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Bisexual Character, Character Study, F/F, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-14
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:30:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7488096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zornslemon/pseuds/zornslemon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the end, Vax is right. It's not worth falling in love with anyone from Syngorn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(well if that's love) it comes at much too high a cost

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day 5 (angst) of Critical Role rarepair week (just in time for it to undoubtedly be completely jossed by this week's episode). Thanks to Attila for betaing.

Vex is 15 years old, and she thinks that it is completely ridiculous that her father thinks she needs to bring guards with her just to go to the market with Vax.

Then again, when it turns out today’s guard is a young hot redhead named Iova who just joined the city watch, it’s hard to mind.

They go to the market, and Vex haggles down a hair ribbon to about half the asking price (because that’s what she does and anyways that ribbon was seriously overpriced), and she can’t help but feel proud when Iova looks impressed.

“Do you go here much?” Iova asks as Vax looks through a stand selling ornate weapons.

“When I can,” Vex says. “Our father keeps us pretty busy with lessons.”

“What sort of lessons?”

“The usual, I suppose,” Vex says. “History, languages, that sort of thing. I quite like the fighting lessons at least.”

“What style of fighting do you do?” Iova asks.

Vex shrugs. “Archery, dueling, throwing knives at our father’s tapestries if you’re Vax.”

Iova chuckles, and Vex realizes she thinks the tapestry comment was a joke.

“In any case, it’s mostly archery for me,” Vex says. “My dueling is a bit rusty.”

“You know, the city watch has me in combat training too,” Iova says, taking a step towards Vex. “Perhaps we could practice dueling together. Tomorrow afternoon sound good?”

Vex nods, a bit breathless. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

\---

“So Iova,” Vax says that evening.

“What about Iova?” Vex says.

“She wants to ‘practice dueling’ with you,” he says, his fingers forming into air quotes.

“What of it?”

Vax sighs. “Have your fun, sister, but don’t get too close. This city wasn’t made for us.”

“That’s no reason not to give it a chance,” Vex says. “Iova’s young. She doesn’t have to be like all of Syldor’s friends.”

“She’s from here. I doubt she’s that different,” Vax says. “As long as we’re here, we can only trust each other.”

“I don’t think I can live that way.”

Vax shrugs. “It’s your funeral.”

\---

Iova comes over like promised the next afternoon. She and Vex duel, and Vex can’t help but be astounded at how good Iova is. She’s lithe and nimble, and, not for the first time, Vex can’t help but wonder if being a full elf makes this sort of thing easier.

They’ve been at it for nearly two hours when Vex tries to parry one of Iova’s attacks and loses her footing. Iova extends a hand and helps pull her up, pulling her in closer than she was expecting. Vex stares into her eyes (blue, piercing, beautiful) for a moment and then, feeling suddenly bold, closes the gap between them gently places her hand on Iova’s face, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Iova’s ear.

Iova smiles. “I’d been wondering when we’d get to this part.”

“Well, I had to let some tension build up, darling.”

\---

Vex falls hard, and she falls fast. Iova comes over whenever she can get away from watch duties and Vex can get away from her lessons, and the two of them relish in defiling as many rooms of Syldor’s mansion as possible. Sometimes, when Iova has a night shift by herself, Vex will sneak out and sit on the city wall next to her. It’s probably not allowed, but neither of them really cares.

“Sometimes I dream about running off and living in the woods,” Vex says one night as a full moon illuminates the forest outside Syngorn.

“You do?” Iova says.

“Yeah, I do,” Vex says. “I could hunt my own food and, I don’t know, get a pet bear. I know, it’s ridiculous, but it’s nice to think about sometimes.”

“I don’t think bears can be tamed very easily,” Iova says.

Vex chuckles. “I imagine not. So what about you? Do you have any dreams about leaving Syngorn?”

Iova shakes her head. “I’ve been planning on joining the Syngorn city watch since I was three. I can’t imagine a different life for myself.”

“Well, I must sound so silly to you, then.”

“Not at all,” Iova says. “I love how adventurous you are. I could never be that brave.”

Vex smiles and kisses Iova, and, for once, she actually feels good about herself.

\---

Syldor finds out, because Vex and Iova aren’t exactly being subtle. Vex expects him to be disappointed in her, because that’s just what he does, but, oddly enough, he actually seems to approve.

“I will admit that Iova is not necessarily who I would have selected for you as a partner, but she is from a good family and has good career prospects,” he says. “You should do your best to be worthy of her.”

“I will, Father,” Vex says, surprised but trying hard not show it.

Syldor turns and leaves the room. Vex turns to leave as well, but as she does so, she spots Vax hiding in a corner of the room, because he can’t just announce his presence like a normal person.

“So you heard that,” Vex says flatly.

“Yeah,” Vax says.

“And you’re not happy about it,” Vex says, taking stock of his expression.

“How can I be happy? Did you hear what he said to you?”

“Yeah, he said he approved of me for once,” Vex says. “Don’t ruin this for me, brother.”

“He basically said that you weren’t worthy of Iova.”

“So what? Since when did you care about what he said so much?”

“Because he’s wrong, and I don’t like hearing him talk to you about this,” Vax says. “Guys and girls should be lining up to date you.”

“You know that sounds really creepy coming from you, right?” Vex says.

“Yeah, whatever,” Vax says. “But you know that everyone here agrees with him.”

“Not everyone,” Vex says. “Iova doesn’t. She chose me.”

“Sure, for now.”

“For now?”

“She’s one of them, and none of them will ever really accept us until we magically turn into the perfect elf children Syldor was supposed to have.”

“Well, maybe I can become that person,” Vex says. “You’re hopeless, brother, but I at least have manners.”

Vax snorts. “Not bloody likely. Have you looked at your ears lately?”

Vex sighs, because she still has hope for Iova, but she knows Vax isn’t entirely wrong.

\---

So of course it all comes down.

“Do you think I could join the watch once I get old enough?” Vex asks Iova one night.

Iova laughs in response.

“I’m serious,” Vex says. “I like fighting, and it seems like the sort of thing I could do.”

“Vex, you have to know that the watch can only take Syngorn’s best.”

“What? Is it my dueling?” Vex asks. “Because I know I’m struggling a bit with that, but I’m getting better, and either way, I’m really good at archery.”

“That’s not what it is at all,” Iova says.

“Then what is it?” Vex asks, genuinely inquisitive.

“It’s jus that the city watch can’t really have a half-breed.”

Vex feels her heart drop in her chest. “What did you call me?”

“Well, your mother was human, right?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make me any worse than any of you,” Vex says.

“Well…”

“Well what?”

“Syngorn is an elvish city. We can’t let someone who’s not an elf onto the city watch.”

“I think I should go,” Vex says, not even trying to mask her bitterness.

“No, stay,” Iova says. “We don’t need to talk about that, and I thought you said you could stay for another hour.”

Vex stands up. “No, I think it’s really time for me to go.”

\---

She manages to hold herself together long enough get back to the room she shares with Vax before she plops down on the bed and bursts into tears.

“Vex, are you alright?” Vax says, rushing over to her side even though Vex didn’t even notice him entering the room.

“I really thought I had found someone who really cared about me,” Vex says through the tears.

Vax slings his arm around Vex’s shoulders. “Bad breakup?”

“We’re not broken up yet technically, but she… You were right. She’s just like everyone else here,” Vex says. “They’ll never accept us, will they?”

Vax shakes his head slowly.

“You know what? Let’s just leave,” Vex says. “I mean, we can do that, right? There’s no reason for us to stay here. We can go back to Mother.”

“I’ve heard worse ideas.”

“Let’s go tonight.”

“That’s awfully soon.”

“Yes, and you’re one to take your time and plan things out,” Vex says. “What’s the use of waiting? I can’t be here anymore.”

“Then we leave tonight.”

(It doesn’t go as planned, and they wind up being two dumbass kids trying to survive on their own, but it’s still so much better than being trapped in Syngorn.)

\---

Slipping away in the middle of the night doesn’t leave much opportunity for goodbyes, and Vex knows she doesn’t want to just leave Iova hanging, so she decides to write a letter. It’s hard to know what to write. Their last argument still rings in Vex’s ears, but at the same time, it’s hard to blame Iova for everything. After all, Iova really had loved Vex in some respect, and she had only been repeating what everyone else in Syngorn was saying.

In the end, Vex keeps the letter simple. She explains that she enjoyed their time together, but that she’s never belonged in Syngorn and that she’s leaving for everyone’s good. She tears up the first draft and burns the second, but after she writes it out a third time, she knows she has to send it. It’s not the most eloquent thing she’s ever written, but it will do.

\---

There are other lovers in time, men and women and people who don’t fall into either category. It’s easy enough to forget Iova when she’s getting undressed with an attractive stranger.

When she’s lying alone at night trying to fall asleep, it’s impossible not to remember

\---

She wonders sometimes if Iova is the reason she never really makes a pass at Jarrett even though she certainly finds him attractive. It’s been years since she left Syngorn, and she rarely thinks of Iova these days, but her first love and first heartbreak have left her with lingering feelings. She feels weird about sleeping with a guard, even if it is her own guard and not a city watch member at all.

In the end, she decides it’s probably no great loss.

\---

She watches as Vax falls for Keyleth (and Gilmore too, she supposes, although things never progress far enough there to leave her worried), and outwardly, she’s dismissive, but deep down, she’s a little jealous. Some days, she wishes she could have a grand romance, but she has never been like Vax when it comes to letting go of inhibitions.

She comes the closest with Zahra, who is beautiful and confident and exactly the sort of person Vex would want as a partner. But Vex is not an impulsive 15-year-old anymore, and she can’t just fall madly in love with any beautiful woman who talks to her. The years have made her practical, and she already likes the life she’s living, and some risks don’t seem worth taking. She can’t risk a potential friend and ally on a maybe with a woman who lives on a different continent.

\---

They decide they’re going back into Syngorn, and Vex starts scrubbing her armor as hard as she can, because if she’s going back there, she has to look put together. She can’t still be that scrappy half-elf girl who was never good enough.

Faces flash through her mind. Mostly it’s her father who she suspects she’ll have to speak to again for the first time in a few years. Things being what they are, though, she can’t help but think of Iova. She hasn’t seen her in years, and Vex is sure that she’s risen through the ranks of the city watch by now. Vex wants to make sure that, if they happen to run into her, that she looks like she’s done pretty well for herself too.

Percy knocks on her door, and it’s kind of perfect, because he’s the one person who might actually be able to help her. Vax has never bothered to try to impress the sort of upper-class people she’s worried about in Syngorn, and the rest of Vox Machina has never really been in that sort of situation. Only Percy with his noble upbringing seems like he might be useful now.

He asks who judged her in Syngorn, and she says everyone, because, well, it’s the truth. All her friends already know how things stand with her father, and she hasn’t talked about Iova in years and doesn’t really want to rehash what happened. Saying everyone gets the point across well enough, and when Percy tells her she’s better than all the people she’s worried about, it actually is reassuring.

But when he leaves the room, she mutters to herself, “There was a girl I loved.”

\---

It all plays out like a nightmare. At first, Vex is far enough away that she can’t be sure that the red-haired woman is who she thinks she is. But when the woman says their names, there is no doubt in Vex’s mind. This is Iova.

As she steps down from the wall and Vex gets a better look at her, she can’t help but think that Iova appears to be doing well. She’s older and hardened, but her armor indicates that she holds a high position in the watch, and she looks like she’s in great shape. She’s shaved one side of her head, and the look really works for her.

“Watcher Iova, nice to see you have elevated yourself,” Vex says maintaining eye contact and betraying no emotion.

“Time has passed since you were finding your own path. I’m surprised to see you return here,” Iova says, equally aloof, though Vex thinks she almost hears a hint of regret in her voice.

They speak to each other formally, and Vex can’t help but wonder if this is how things would have wound up going if she had stayed in Syngorn. There’s no doubt in her mind that they would have broken up in due time. Iova would have found a full elf who was considered a more suitable girlfriend. Still, Vex wonders if they might have broken up amicably or if they were always bound to wind up like this, speaking to each other like vague acquaintances and not like they were once lovers.

She supposes she’s just as happy she never found out.


End file.
